My early harDCore days... Because I am getting more and more questions about the old bands I was in and what it was like back in the day, I thought I'd jot down a few memories. When I became a harDCore punk in late 1980 (I was about 3 years old at the time, so put away your calculators! ;-?), the D.C. scene back then was fantastic. We were all unified at being outsiders, at being thought of as different or weird. Everyone knew each other and everyone was at every show supporting the bands - new people were accepted as if to a family. To the right is a shot of my bedroom as a teenager, with early flyers all over the walls. Punk back then is nothing like punk is now... It was the Underground, and you felt like you had a secret that nobody 'normal' could know or understand. You learned about new bands through word of mouth, or by going to a local cool record store that had a tiny section of punk rock stuff. Singles were the thing of the day, punk bands released their music mostly on these - I think Rudimentary Peni was the most amazing at that, they fit an album's worth of material on a 45". There were no major labels signing the bands we loved, and no one knew what we were, it was entirely new.

To the left is Wendell from SOA and me - check out the "X" on my hand, something we teenagers requested from the 21+ clubs to let them know we didn't want to drink, but wanted to be able to get in and see the band. Later, it became the symbol for 'Straight-Edge', from Ian's (Minor Threat) song - but as we were the ones that started it, we didn't have a name for it. Like the game of telephone, it has taken on a world-wide definition that we never meant for it have...

There was no term for different looks once one was accepted into our realm; costumes and hairstyles ran the spectrum - it was all seen as 'Punk Rock'. There were kids with torn jeans and combat boots, kids dressed as Nosferatu, some dressed in S & M gear, some in T-shirts and safety pins, there was spiked hair, greased hair, black hair, blue hair, shaved heads, one might have no makeup on or one might wear thick makeup - it was all joined under the 'punk' label, and everyone dressed according to their own taste.

The punk scene was my chosen path towards finding my identity. I became a punk like many in my day - it was the natural progression from being a New Waver, which I became in reaction to my search for a group that celebrated uniqueness, rather than scoffed at kids like me. Even as a small child, I knew I was different. I was very much in my own world, pretty aloof in ways, more interested in animals, Nature, and old things. If you've ever seen the movie "Impromptu" - the flashbacks to George Sands as a child running in the forest and offering a dead lizard to the forest god she created - that was me. My father tells me that not long after my mother died, he was called by my school due to a drawing I had made. It was of a spider, and when the teacher asked me what it was, I said "Death". I was called a tomboy (the unfortunate term for a free spirited "girl child"); I didn't play with dolls or stick with my own gender at recess... I was a loner, unpopular with the other kids, a downright weirdo to most.

As I never fit in with the popular cliques as a kid, I went off in the quiet Rebel direction. I played Columbia at the local midnight Rocky Horror screenings and the music that was played before and after the movie: The Tubes, B52's, The Cramps, The Police - it led me towards the fact that there was an alternative scene to be found.

One of my first memories of attending shows was Henry Garfield (now Rollins) slamming head first into my stomach! And for those who keep asking, yes, I was very close to Ian Mackaye in my early days, during lunch at Wilson, he used to drive me to a sub shop in Bethesda and we'd discuss life. And, yes, I knew HR back in the day as well, he used to call me "Princess", and Madhouse opened a few times for his solo project, aptly named "HR Band". To the left is a shot of me stagediving at 9:30 Club at a Bad Brains/Black Market Baby show. As a punk, I found that I didn't have to fit in anymore, and in that way, I was empowered and, finally, accepted for myself. Punk Rock saved me; I honestly don't know what I would have done had I not become a punk. My favorite bands included Germs, The Ruts, Magazine, The Avengers, Dead Kennedys, Adolescents, Penetration, The Stranglers, The Damned, The Cramps, Vice Squad, Rudimentary Peni, the list goes on and on. I wore engineer boots with bandanas and chains around them, giant men's shirts, and cut my hair down to a crew cut. Of course, I felt at the time I had found my true self.

I've been asked about the books that have been coming out about the scene, and what I thought of their take on that era. Imagine going to a party with all your friends, and then twenty years later reading in a book about the Historical Party where the Important Young People came and did very Important Things. In your eyes, you remember this person got drunk, that person was being rude, so-and-so cut her hair all wrong - it was just another evening, but from the writer's view, there's much more significance when viewed in relation to historical episodes in counter-cultures. I think the books read well to people who weren't there and want to know about that time, but it's hard to remember it any other way than from the way I do: from my own memory, I was just trying to find myself, be something different, be my own unique personality... I do hope that someone plans to release a book on this era from the female perspective; I was one of two girls fronting bands at that time, not only dealing with society's idea of what I should be wearing and doing as a girl, but also fighting the male-dominated teenaged punk scene's view of girls.

My first real interest in wanting to become a singer was when The Pretenders released "Brass In Pocket". I loved that song, she had a low voice, rather unusual for the time, and it made me think about singing, but I had no idea how to sing at the time. I began singing in 1981 for a band that later became 'No Trend', and at that time, though the harDCore punk scene in Washington DC was in its heyday, it was not acceptable to be a girl singer - not yet. This was a few years before the "Riot Grrrl" scene flourished, so when I got started singing, I felt very much alone and influenced by the guys in the band. For this first band, I pretty much shouted out the lyrics like Wendy O. Williams, in a gutteral, guy-ish tone. When I joined HFI (Hate From Ignorance) in 1982, I was asked not because I was a good singer, but because I was a girl - the band wanted to be different... but they actually wanted me to sound like a girl, so I sang in a high voice. I look back at some of the lyrics I was writing as a fifteen-year-old, warning girls to have more self-esteem and to not lose themselves in pleasing guys. This is where I got started in my need to voice female-empowerment, and something I see needs to be said even louder now.

When we started Madhouse in 1983, we modeled ourselves on the more melodic English punk bands, but we found ourselves having less and less to do with the punk scene, as we began to really see a serious lack of interest or respect when we played with hardcore bands - and it got worse and worse each show. At this time - 1984 or so, there were media stories coming out about the punk scene, and meatheads from the suburbs began to show up with spiked wristbands, starting fights and ruining shows with their testosterone-laden aggression. So me being a girl singer saying things like "This next song is about 'Rape'!" didn't bode well with them. I had people yelling for me to get off the stage, calling me names, and throwing things at me. There were a couple fans who were right there at the beginning who thought it was extremely cool to see me up there, but for the most part, it became just too awful to play those shows...

By the way, there is a piece about a show in "Dance of Days" [Anderson/Jenkins] where it was said that I made a joke about skinheads which caused them to start shouting at me, that isn't exactly what happened. A bunch of guys were messing with a girl, and I yelled at them to stop. When they didn't, I poured my drink on them, and that's what caused them to get angry with me, which is most likely when I made a joke about them. Anyway, after we stopped playing hardcore shows, we began opening for bands like Xmal Deutchsland and Billy Bragg, which attracted a much cooler crowd. I started to experiment with vocal pieces and harmonies, sounds, screams, (until I lost my voice and had to go into voice therapy and training in 1986), which led me further in an art-driven direction. Through my studies in college, I became even more interested in history and literature, which inspired a great deal of my later lyrics and aesthetic.

It wasn't until I left the punk scene and went into a dark/alternative style with Strange Boutique that I began to get some support and respect. My first thoughts in costuming and becoming theatrical happened when 'The Cramps' came to town, one of my favorite bands of all time - still are, and I was all in my hardcore punk mode at the time: boots, jeans, chains, bandanas. When the band walked on stage, Poison Ivy, their fab female guitarist, came on and she was wearing a chinese cocktail dress and 'Candies' brand shoes. For those who don't remember, 'Candies' were Disco shoes, and in my world, totally not cool or acceptable. But suddenly, there was one of my heroes wearing them! I stood there completely confused. "Wait," I wondered, "That's not punk rock clothing! But She's wearing them... so is it 'punk' to wear disco shoes and pretty dresses???"

In that moment, it completely opened my mind to the fact that a genre-specific uniform was extremely confining, and from then on, I began to wear a more diverse choice of clothing. Which then led me to a more theatrical costumes and onward and upward. To the left and above right are late Madhouse/early Strange Boutique costumes - I was going into a bohemian, gypsy type of thing for a while! Throughout my years performing, I've had pink hair, purple hair, two-tone hair, white hair, black hair, spiked and short or long and crimped. I've gone through periods with thick tribal make-up, no makeup, glamour make-up, I've done it all... My looks changed according to how I felt, and what was going on in my life as well as what was going on in the world. I was often hollered at by passers-by, sometimes I took it well, other times I did not... I hope those who only know me from F&TM can see that I came from a very rich and diverse era of music. And to Faith and the Muse fans who keep asking why I wore a suit on the cover of The Burning Season, I stopped wearing Medieval/Renaissance gowns because they became mass-made and all too common. It's funny to me that I've had some influence in the classic Goth gown costume so prevalent nowadays, and that it had become what people expect me to wear - I hope this page gives them some perspective... People should be aware of the fact that they really can and should wear what they please.

In 2002, I was interviewed for a documentary called "9:30 F Street", based on the history of the 9:30 Club, one of the first clubs to let us kids in to see shows, and a place where I performed many times throughout my years in the Washington D.C. music scene. "9:30 F Street" is currently making the rounds at film festivals. Last year I was interviewed for "Punk's Not Dead", another documentary, filmed by an old D.C. pal named Susan Dynner, which features a very broad view of the punk scene world-wide, from the beginning through the present day. I haven't seen it yet, but the trailor is amazingly well done.

Now, 25 years later, I still don't fit in with normal people, I still don't understand 'grown-ups', and I'm still very much immersed in the counter-culture. I see my life as having been, thus far, a unique and wonderful thing. Now I enjoy looking out at the audience and seeing punks again, seeing a new diversity of look and a new sense of self-expression without judgement. I do very much hope that this continues, self-expression is just that, the expression of self and one's place in the world... In many ways, with my new project, InfraWarrior, I am returning to the punk rock ideals and becoming more straightforward in my lyrics as a new hybrid of Old Testament Fundamentalism is trying to quell free-thinkers like myself. But my costumes... well, 'Over the Top' means nothing to me!

And now I am singing with Anima Mundi and Conflict, thus the circle closes...

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